Things that I love.

Nanci; a short, unfinished list

Crooked teeth
Voice
Warm hugs
Laugh
Hair... even the peach fuzz once the chemo took over
Hands; her fingers
Flannel shirts
Mom jeans
Sneakers
Books; so many books
Generous to a fault
Love of Christ
Love of neighbors
Love of family

Most of all... that I felt loved.

Regrets

"Regrets collect like old friends... here to relive your darkest moments."

I regret not telling my mom good-bye the day before she died.

I regret knowing it was the last time I'd see her, and not kissing her and telling her I love her.

I regret being afraid of her death.

I regret not advocating for her when I visited and saw her health deteriorating.

I regret not getting her flannel shirt from the bags of clothes destined for the thrift store.

I regret not begging her to stay one more day when she left me in Nebraska; I regret wanting to be an adult.

So many more regrets....

I wish I could get this devil off my back.

I thought that I was okay...

I thought I was feeling better.
I thought that the pain was just fleeting
Fleeting, not constant

It was buried.
It was still here.
The cancer... is a cancer.

It's still here.
Closing in on me.
Metastasizing.