The thing about grief...

The thing about grief is that it's never-ending. People who don't know, will tell you it gets easier. People who do know will sit in silence while you express your fears, your guilt, the constant hum of their missing presence in your life.

My only advice?
Ignore the ones who don't know.
While it is nice to have someone acknowledge your pain, it's also often more harmful than good (Oh, you 'know' how close we were? Well, I 'know' that you don't!).

My dad said yesterday that it's time for him to move on.

Move on...
What does that mean? How come he can... after 30 years... and I can't? Susie told me she 'moved on' after three months. I know my brother hasn't. I know I haven't.

The thing about grief is that it's okay not to move on. I've forgiven myself for my selfishness over this situation. I have wonderful friends who let me have my release. They let me tell the whole story. Because it hurts to hold it in. And they understand. It's an exchange. Something we do for each other.

The thing about grief is that often, people laud you for having a family to lean on. What they don't understand is that you don't want to make it hard for your family. You don't want others to feel the stress of your situation. I'd rather hold it in than see my brother cry or hurt.

The thing about grief is that you need to take your time. My sister looks at me strangely when I speak of therapy appointments and anxiety and stress and situational depression. She lost a mother as well. But I lost a close friend a week before my mother to a vicious cancer that was unrelenting. I lost a grandfather figure (one I loved more than my own flesh and blood grandfathers) two years before. I lost a baby - one I was so excited to welcome to the world. One that I wouldn't abort, that I wouldn't feel years of guilt about. One that would know my love. I lost my faith.

So yes, it will take me a while to grieve for all my losses.  But the thing about grief is that it is okay.